know how fabulous i'd like. so skinny. the camera >> stephen: tonight, ukraine is on the brink of disoofter, so things are improving. and new controversy over gay marriage. i think jonathan is totally settling for david. and my guest jaron lanier has a new book called "who owns the future?" i know one thing-- it's not people who write books. singapore is now the world's most expensive place to live. for the world's cheapest place, check your clothing label. this is the "colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) folks, welcome to the show. thank you for joining us. if you watch this show, i got some news for you. president barack obama is a failed leader.

don't worry-- this isn't a rerun or a future episode. it's tonight. last week obama announced the planned withdrawal of american forces from afghanistan by 2015. with a stroke of his pen, there goes america's strategic reserve of rubble. now i feel like i've wasted 12 years memorizing all those tricky muslim names-- karzai. haqqani. beyonce. i mean, i was almost ready for that jelly. there is a new foreign policy crise for obama to shrank. >> ukraine unraveling. >> ukraine officials say they're on the brink of war with russia. thousand of russian troops have ousted ukrainian forces and taken complete control of key strategic crimean peninsula. crimean crisis has deepened overnight.

>> stephen: yes, a crisis in crimea. now, like americans, until recently, i thought crimea was a delightful tyler perry character. turns out it's the most important place you don't know jack about. well, trap in. stephen colbert's about to jack in part one of my infinite-part series "better know a geopolitical flash point." "better know a geopolitical flashpoint." tonight, the country 19 peninsula, fightin' almost an island. protruding southward into the black sea cartographers refer to country may as "the ukraine's ball sack." over the millennia, country may's been occupied by greeks, romans, mongols, ottomans, byzantines, and even the goths, who invaded just to piss off their parents.

in 1441, the peninsula became an independent muslim state called the crimean khanate, run by a turkic people called tatars, and their children the tartar tots. ( laughter ) ( applause ) in 17 foor, russia conquered crimea in 1853, the horrible casualties of the first crimean war inspired alfred lord tennyson's classic poem, "the charge of the light brigade," with the famous lines, "theirs not to make reply, theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die, happy valentine's day to a special nephew." ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, russia-- big tennyson fans here tonight. russia kept possession of crimea until 1954, when nikita khrushchev cruc regifted country may to ukraine, after a high-level summit between his liver and a bottle of stoli. at the time of the ussr's collapse the ukraine had the third largest

nuclear stockpile in the world, but surrendered it in a diplomatic agreement called the "budapest memorandum," later adapted into a whimsical film by wes anderson. ( laughter ) in the agreement, ukraine gave up its nukes, and in exchange, russia promised never to use "threats or use of force against the territorial integrity or political independence of ukraine." tragically it appears ukrainian diplomats forgot to call "no backsies." so what does russia's latest crimean cri-mean? it means i get to run one of my favorite graphics. this is cold war update. ( cheers and applause )

>> nation if you watch this show, you know i never thought the cold war ended. it's why i still wear a shoe phone and a shoe answering machine. hello? what? i can't talk right now. just leave a message with my other foot. folks, that is why you do hot yoga. ( cheers and applause ). but folks i'm worried that obama may be in way over his head here. on the other hand, i'm excited that obama may be in way over his head here. jim? >> this is the ultimate result of a feckless foreign policy where nobody believes in america's strength anymore. >> there's no question there's a perception of american indecisiveness and weakness. >> we look like an impotent vacillating country.

>> every time i president goes on national television and threatens putin or anyone like putin, everybody's eyes roll, including mine. we have a weak and indecisive president that invites aggression. >> that old lady is right. ( laughter ) obama-- obama needs to immediately do something manly. maybe a one-armed push-up or carve a canoe or invade a foreign country. how about iraq? third time's a charm! ( applause ) because right now the president of the united states is getting outplayed. look at what he wore saturday during a tense 90-minute phone call with vladimir putin. no tie. jeans with a jeans shirt. what is this casual doomsday? meanwhile on the other end you know putin shirtless stroking a tiger looking into his infinity mirror. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so i say the disaster, instead

of putting boots on the ground and starting world war iii-- like we all want-- big chief "leads from the behind" does what he always does and just sends in a drone. >> i come here today at the instruction of president obama to make it absolutely clear the united states of america would prefer to see this de-escalated. we would prefer to see this managed through the structures of legal institutions. >> stephen: take that, putin! "prefer." them's fighting words. reminds me of reagan at the branden berg gate. >> mr. gorbachev, we prefer you not have a wall. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i miss that good man. so what will the president do? for the answer, let's go straight to the leader of the free world. >> number one, there will be no military budget cuts, obama has

to know that now. number two, the keystone pipeline must be approved. why? because russia is blackmailing europe over energy. >> stephen: bill is right, military funding and keystone. obama needs to prove he's a strong leader by giving republicans everything they've asked for. ( laughter ) plus russia's antigay laws could drive their homosexuals over here, so to keep them out we need a border wall with mexico before the gays invade have a cancun, because you know they're a beach people. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ladies and gentlemen, bill o'reilly and i are not the only ones questioning obama's leadership. so are you. >> with the u.s. facing volatile foreign policy situations in ukraine, brand new gallup poll is raising serious concerns about president obama's standing on the world stage. according to gallup, for the first time ever, a majority of americans say president obama is not respected by other world leaders. >> stephen: even worse air, majority of americans felt the

"the bachelor" wouldn't give president obama a rose, even if it was just down to him and that bitch, 96y. folks, this poll-- if th poll has no alarmed me that i am conducting by own poll so i can become more alarmed. go to colbertnation.com and let your click be heard. answer the question, "what do you think about what americans think world leaders think about president obama?" simply check, "yes, no, or vegetarian option." we'll have the results of that poll later in your lifetime. we'll be right back. woman: i want something healthy but that grand slam looks so good. girl: mom, with 18 options to choose from, there's over 300 combos under 550 calories. man: kid's a genius. girl: dad, it says it right here on the menu. man: oh. woman: hey, welcome to denny's.

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come on! [ female announcer ] watch live tv anywhere. the x1 entertainment operating system, only from xfinity. k today.he x1 entertainment operating system, everybody. thanks so much. nation, it is no secret that the american people tune in to the report every night to know how to feel about america. well, tonight, preheat yourself to outraged-- although, if you're like me you only have three settings: angry, outraged, and popcorn. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i am still stinging from last week's religious liberty curb-stomp by arizona governor and last person to see hance expel gretel alive, jan brewer. ( laughter ) ( applause ) governor brewer vetoed sb-1062, which would have allowed business owners to freely practice their deeply held religious belief of not selling pastry to gay people.

( laughter ) because god is my cake boss. but, of course, the gay-stream media twisted the bill into something ugly. >> i'm a religious person. this is not religious freedom. it's just plain bigotry. >> this is a bigotry bill masked under religious freedom. >> they're quoting bigotry, per se, in the name of god. it's jim crowe back from the dead. >> it's actually a very similar argument that was raised against the civil rights laws of the mid-60s. >> reporter: >> stephen: this is nothing like the civil rights struggles of the 1960s. for starters, when gay marchers get hit with a firehose, they love it! ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's an actual photo, which means i'm not a bad person. the point is gay marriage is not a civil rights issue. just ask iowa republican and volunteer o the hypnotists forgt to wake up, steve king. jim? >> it's clear in the civil rights section of the code that-- that you can't discriminate against people

based upon-- i'm not sure i've got the list right-- race, creed, religion, color of skin, those kind of things. and there's nothing mentioned in there on self-professed behavior, and that's what they're trying to perfect is special rights for self-professed behavior. >> stephen: yes, self-professed behavior. unlike race, you can't tell somebody's gay just by looking at them. sphairs know, johnny weir is a perfectly straight wood nynph. you might be asking what exactly does "self-professed" mean? >> the thing i reference when i say self-processed. who do you discriminate against? are they setting up a case? is this about bringing a grievance or a service they'd like to have. >> stephen: steve king is right. these self-professed gays just want you to refuse them service so they can sue you. we've seen it a million times pain guy pretends to be gay,

pretend to hide until he's 18, and then he prendz to come out to his family who pretend not tond and pretend to shun pim. he moves to the city a few years later, he meets another guy who prendzs to be day, they pretend to fuel in love and he prens to propose and they get fake engaged. the man reached out to his family, and they pretend to grow a lot because they've been watching a lot of "modern family." they don't pretend to pretend to understand his life, but they can see how happy he prendzs to be, and they give their prendz blessing. the pretend couple enteraise flower shop. one prendz to want orchids. the other prendzs to want i had drainch, but they both prepped to love the delicate vibrance of peruvian lilys. they approach the owner who says, "i can't sell you to. i'my a cristman." and boom, they sue him, run off to vegas, and pretend to have sex with a lady hooker as god pretended.

gotcha! exwocha! ( cheers and applause ) yeah, like that, like that, like that. as & as steve king knows, even if gays do exist, it's nearly impossible to prove it. >> if it's not specifically protected iprotected in the con, then it's-- it got to be an immutable characteristic, that being a characteristic that can be independently verified and can't be willfully change displd yes, the only way for gays to be protected is to have their gayness independently verified. i think what steve king is saying, gays, is he wants you to send photos and/or videos proving to steve king that you are gay. ( cheers and applause ). again, that's steve king, 2010... office building, washington, d.c., 20515. be sure to label your envelope "campaign contribution." so you know that he'll read it. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) hershey's drops.

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♪ cruncha muncha cruncha muncha ♪ ♪ cruncha muncha cruncha muncha ♪ ♪ fritos on my sub [ male announcer ] the new fritos chicken enchilada melt from subway. it's the chicken enchilada with the gotta have it crunch. subway. eat fresh. ♪ fritos on my sub it's the chicken enchilada with the gotta have it crunch. yo,move fast fruit flavor,fe, watermelon, blue razz green apple. your taste buds dancing. it's the jolly rancher, we make it happen. untamed fruit flavor. jolly rancher. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a scientist and musician best known for coing the term virtual reality. please welcome jaron lanier.

( cheers and applause ) glaron, thank you so much for joining me. good to see you. thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: sir, you're a computer scientist, you're a composer, europe a virtual artist and author. best known as the father of virtual reality. you worked at atari, where you were the lead scientist of the national teleemergence initiative, encyclopedia britannia includes you in their list of the 300 greatest inventors, and your book is called "who owns the future?" >> all of that is true. >> stephen: okay. >> yes. >> stephen: is it true-- okay-- >> is it going to go downhill from here? >> stephen: yeah. who does-- who does own the future? >> well, right now, those who own the future are the ones with the very biggest, most effective computers that can gather everybody's data,amize it bettet

better than anybody else, and use it to calculate little, tiny advantages, like slightly more manipulative loans or slightly more tricky health insurance policies. and over time, these tiny advantages accumulate, and then you get this incredible weland power concentration, which is the characteristic of our time. >> stephen: and you think that's a bad thing? >> you know, i-- i benefitted. i've done great -- >> stephen: and you helped create this problem. >> totally, i did. >> stephen: you're franken stipe. you came to warp us about your monster. >> that's not a bad metaphor. i'll take it. >> stephen: of course i did it. you have to be careful. the monster might turn on you and tear you limb from limb. >> i have a daughter now and look at the world and i think do i want her to be in this privileged rich family with the world falling apart and everybody living in insecurity or in a slightly less privileged family --

>> stephen: what's unhealthy about this world? what's the sign of the disease there jaron? >> real wealth is when your-- your wealth is dependent on everybody else's wealth. we'll wealth is a community wealth. if it's just a concentration, that's fake wealth. it falls apart. >> stephen: what are you talking about? i'm at the top of this pyramid right now. i'm at the top of the pyramid, another right now? >> in my circles you're not. i'm sorry, it's true. >> stephen: you don't know, you don't know. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you don't know. maybe i have a secret criminal enterprise. >> i'm wearing these special glasses that tell me more than you think. >> stephen: wow. hold ohol on. hold on. i got one, too. ( cheers and applause ) so-- but, okay, the-- you know, the monster is on the loose. you can't put the jeanie back in the bottle. >> you know, i think we kbecause we made up this whole internet thing, and this particular idea about how to do open culture on

it and open economies very recently. so there's an opportunity to try to do this better. i'm not saying i know the perfect answer for it, but i think we have to give a shot. we have to try to improve this because what we're doing is not creating a sustainable digital economy. you have to do that. >> stephen: you say our middle class is disappearing, okay, right? >> yes. >> stephen: the middle class is disappearing and the internet has something to do with that or your whole dreamave digital future has something to do with the-- >> yeah, i think it really does. >> stephen: can't we just build a virtual reality where the middle class still exists? put on those ocular helmeted and go, look, look, a two-car garage? >> i guess if everybody will buy it, i guess that's fine with me. but i don't think they should. i think people should demand more. we are a double economy. where if it's stuff, we believe in marks. if it's about information, if it's about creativity--

comedians, journalists, things like that-- then we think it should be shared tshould be open. when you break the economy in half like that, even though sharing is lovely, you graduately put all the information, workers, into this informal economy, a slum economy of reputation, barter-- which is beautiful in its own way -- >> stephen: you're saying we're all-- we're all-- we're all sort of the product now because as we put our information into the internet and we become our-- our information becomes a commodity, we should get paid a little something for all that information and that value we're providing these internet providers? >> how about a concrete example? >> stephen: sure. >> language translators. somebody takes this and says i'm going to make the spanish version of it. those people are suffering now. they're making less money than they used to. but the algorithms that translate automatically that take away a lot of their work, those algorithms depend on the same people because they're constantly creating the phrase examples that mash up to create the automatic translation. the thing is the people are still needed -- >> stephen: eventually we'll get the trlz just perfect.

>> no, we won't. because language isn't fixed. it keeps on moving. >> stephen: it won't keep moving if only robots are speaking it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> and-- and-- ( cheers ). >> >> -- you know what? i can't argue with that. you solved it. you solved it. >> stephen: i recommend you don't. jaron, thank you so much for joining me. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: of i didn't get all of that. but jaron lanier, his book is "who owns the future?." and i think he said that you do. we'll be r up. a short word that's a tall order. up your game. up the ante. and if you stumble, you get back up. up isn't easy, and we ought to know. we're in the business of up. everyday delta flies a quarter of million people while investing billions improving everything from booking to baggage claim. we're raising the bar on flying and tomorrow we will up it yet again.

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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org charlie: okay, but now you make a right-hand turn... frank: make a right turn. okay, making a right. charlie: you should pass three fuzzy poles with blinking lights. - those are traffic signals. - okay. all right, wait a minute, i haven't gotten there yet! charlie: and, great. you should be making a left turn here. there's no left! you don't know where i am, tape. this ain't working, charlie. this ain't working. you should pass three fuzzy poles with blinking lights. those are traffic signals. i passed the traffic signals! (tape rewinds) you should pass three... it's stuck! charlie, i need you here! this tape isn't working. man: this is kpfn, public radio. woman: today on do it yourself gardening: composting.